I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
