You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
