do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
