mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
