he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
worst night to have a conscience
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
