dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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