You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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