does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
