Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
