I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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