When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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