Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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