I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
