I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
