A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
