Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
