I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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