Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
