I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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