im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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