Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
