dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
