is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
