just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
