never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
