Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
