She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
