just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
