Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
