so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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