Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Soap is not a condiment
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
