at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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