just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
