ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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