I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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