So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
