Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
