I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
