I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
