My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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