Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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