We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
