you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
