im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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