Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
