I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
