Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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