I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
