thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
