just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
